Never been a "gamer" myself, but love the chemistry with the hysterical actors on "The Guild". This is a spoof music video based on Zaaboo's character and his Indian roots.
Watch Seasons' 1 thru 4 at watchtheguild.com
Have a laugh, "Codex" / Felicia Day's character sings fantastic bollywood LOLOL! (the almost kiss and jumping out of the video frame is priceless!) wait till you see "vork" he makes a memorable appearance ahahahah.
Enjoy your Tuesday everyone.
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Monday, 26 July 2010
Our legacies vs. "What is right" (or Poetry in Motion )
It has been absolute eons since I've dabbled in poetic prose.
Ask my brother, he'd be happy to embarrass me by telling the humorous stories of me sitting for full summery afternoons under the breezy trees with my pencils, pens and favourite notebooks. On a blanket with chipys, pink lemonade, a lazy black & white cat, the country side and my robust imagination to spark some very deep short stories and poems for the ages of 7-14. I was soooooo deeeeeep, out of my league really lol. Truthfully I thoroughly enjoyed writing, imagining, drawing and creating (i still do) with thought process' far beyond my age much to the surprise of my guardians.
Recently, I was reignited and inspired by an anonymous poem that fell upon my gaze with the Title "what is right" and this led to a personal creation of my own (seebelow). In "anonymous" 's honour I've combined just a couple of her thoughts married with mine and this is what presented itself, enjoy! an original works like no other ;)
Happy Monday dear readers xo
Hope this inspires you to create something of your own that drives you.
***♥♥♥***♥♥♥***♥♥**♥**♥♥♥***♥♥♥***♥♥***♥♥♥**♥♥♥***
My Legacy or What is Right by: VesperPeeps / A.L., inspired by anonymous
I can hear the children laughing
In the other room
My one girl and my one boy
They are happy voices
True, pure
I struggle not to think about,
What will become of their vivid innocence as time passes
Society adamantly contaminating their rich purity
With its views spewing from those fearful tainted adults
Who trapped themselves as tiny children inside large gloomy bodies
Scared and frightened, stilted, never blossoming
Years later not certain still of the “truths” they’ve been fed
Oh this mess they’re making, polluted realities
Left foolishly behind for our little ones to clean up
Are you the one? Have you stolen someones childhood?
Paving a thoughtless, negligent trail for several to trip over
We're you the one that was mercilessly drudged through madness
Helpless to wave your white flag,
Tightly bound in the millions of cross wires through the double agent
Your colours blackened, spirit whitewashed, you rose again didn't you ♥
Intelligent soul
Far fetched from those darkened bottom feeders that tried to maime you
Your legacy is now, your face is blushed with reason, you're bright
Heaping with the overflow of insistence for change
Gainful rosebud gardens, floaty images of delightful breathy peace
they are extinct, they watch in vain
Longing to gain your purity your resilience
That jar is capped no breathing holes, disintegration
Worldly festive fires ensue, wings emerge 8 feet long,
Chests open wide mimicking the precious sea
Tinted glasses gazing
Voluminous wonder presented in your exact likeness
You've stepped in, the other side is now, new and light
Dig your hands to reach the soil of your brazen adventures
Take in the scent of the ever wise, calm balanced bark, touch
Receive tenderness by silken leaves, tilt your neck. . . feel. . .the misty bloomed air
Grasp the trunk and wide healthy branches you've grown
Wonder, walk, be still
Derived from nature, steered off course
Observe how technical this mothering can be
If, I let it
Cleaning, straightening, laundry, cooking,
“Everything must be just so”…
What is right? What is right?
I choose to maintain integrity,
Featuring love, honour, family pride, protection, faith and connection
In its deepest form
Creation of moments with bubbles, giggles, picnics, fresh air, fresh thoughts
Our focus on life appreciation, togetherness, teamwork
This education not available in classrooms
or most families
We were raised to follow a conglomerate of sedated regulations
Set in motion by those fearful adults
It has not served us
Teaching, guiding, counseling, observing
I strive for perfection, I give my all
I put forth the best of what we have
All for their little hearts and minds,
Ahead of my own
In every moment
My focus is clear, my path is free of the fearful debris, I make the hard decisions, I choose outside the box, outside the mold, I will not follow, I will not cave, the pressure to assimilate is crushing at times,
But I close my eyes and breathe…
Here they are
These babies, my sweet babies
Their big warm sparkling blue eyes, they have my eyes, they have my spirit
Soft, short, chubby hands
Elbows and knees, long and lanky
My one indisputable boy and my one authentic girl
Genuine, limitless sweet hugs and kisses
Joyfully sloppy and meaningful
An extraordinary life not marred by a blueprint other than mine own
Union, bond, tie, link, join, connection, relationship
These are the vehicles to fulfillment
Our time and presence equaling the value far truer than what is preached
These are life lessons that will be passed forward
The legacy is broken! A new birth of celebrations traditions and the definition of family
We are one, we are full and we are empowered
In the midst of it all
If I must struggle to remember something
Let it be “what is right”
.JPG)
Ask my brother, he'd be happy to embarrass me by telling the humorous stories of me sitting for full summery afternoons under the breezy trees with my pencils, pens and favourite notebooks. On a blanket with chipys, pink lemonade, a lazy black & white cat, the country side and my robust imagination to spark some very deep short stories and poems for the ages of 7-14. I was soooooo deeeeeep, out of my league really lol. Truthfully I thoroughly enjoyed writing, imagining, drawing and creating (i still do) with thought process' far beyond my age much to the surprise of my guardians.
Recently, I was reignited and inspired by an anonymous poem that fell upon my gaze with the Title "what is right" and this led to a personal creation of my own (seebelow). In "anonymous" 's honour I've combined just a couple of her thoughts married with mine and this is what presented itself, enjoy! an original works like no other ;)
Happy Monday dear readers xo
Hope this inspires you to create something of your own that drives you.
***♥♥♥***♥♥♥***♥♥**♥**♥♥♥***♥♥♥***♥♥***♥♥♥**♥♥♥***
My Legacy or What is Right by: VesperPeeps / A.L., inspired by anonymous
I can hear the children laughing
In the other room
My one girl and my one boy
They are happy voices
True, pure
I struggle not to think about,
What will become of their vivid innocence as time passes
Society adamantly contaminating their rich purity
With its views spewing from those fearful tainted adults
Who trapped themselves as tiny children inside large gloomy bodies
Scared and frightened, stilted, never blossoming
Years later not certain still of the “truths” they’ve been fed
Oh this mess they’re making, polluted realities
Left foolishly behind for our little ones to clean up
Are you the one? Have you stolen someones childhood?
Paving a thoughtless, negligent trail for several to trip over
We're you the one that was mercilessly drudged through madness
Helpless to wave your white flag,
Tightly bound in the millions of cross wires through the double agent
Your colours blackened, spirit whitewashed, you rose again didn't you ♥
Intelligent soul
Far fetched from those darkened bottom feeders that tried to maime you
Your legacy is now, your face is blushed with reason, you're bright
Heaping with the overflow of insistence for change
Gainful rosebud gardens, floaty images of delightful breathy peace
they are extinct, they watch in vain
Longing to gain your purity your resilience
That jar is capped no breathing holes, disintegration
Worldly festive fires ensue, wings emerge 8 feet long,
Chests open wide mimicking the precious sea
Tinted glasses gazing
Voluminous wonder presented in your exact likeness
You've stepped in, the other side is now, new and light
Dig your hands to reach the soil of your brazen adventures
Take in the scent of the ever wise, calm balanced bark, touch
Receive tenderness by silken leaves, tilt your neck. . . feel. . .the misty bloomed air
Grasp the trunk and wide healthy branches you've grown
Wonder, walk, be still
Derived from nature, steered off course
Observe how technical this mothering can be
If, I let it
Cleaning, straightening, laundry, cooking,
“Everything must be just so”…
What is right? What is right?
I choose to maintain integrity,
Featuring love, honour, family pride, protection, faith and connection
In its deepest form
Creation of moments with bubbles, giggles, picnics, fresh air, fresh thoughts
Our focus on life appreciation, togetherness, teamwork
This education not available in classrooms
or most families
We were raised to follow a conglomerate of sedated regulations
Set in motion by those fearful adults
It has not served us
Teaching, guiding, counseling, observing
I strive for perfection, I give my all
I put forth the best of what we have
All for their little hearts and minds,
Ahead of my own
In every moment
My focus is clear, my path is free of the fearful debris, I make the hard decisions, I choose outside the box, outside the mold, I will not follow, I will not cave, the pressure to assimilate is crushing at times,
But I close my eyes and breathe…
Here they are
These babies, my sweet babies
Their big warm sparkling blue eyes, they have my eyes, they have my spirit
Soft, short, chubby hands
Elbows and knees, long and lanky
My one indisputable boy and my one authentic girl
Genuine, limitless sweet hugs and kisses
Joyfully sloppy and meaningful
An extraordinary life not marred by a blueprint other than mine own
Union, bond, tie, link, join, connection, relationship
These are the vehicles to fulfillment
Our time and presence equaling the value far truer than what is preached
These are life lessons that will be passed forward
The legacy is broken! A new birth of celebrations traditions and the definition of family
We are one, we are full and we are empowered
In the midst of it all
If I must struggle to remember something
Let it be “what is right”
.JPG)
Monday, 19 July 2010
invisible
It's a tough place to be, painful and scarring. I hear ya and I've been there myself, many times. It's also a great place to learn! Ask yourself, do you go out of your way to "make" yourself invisible? What changes would you have to commit to in order to maintain full visibility in those areas of your life?
I am fully aware of when those who are supposed to be the one pillar you can rely on, when those you confide in with your most trusted moments of happiness, anguish and uncertainty still can't "see" you or "hear" your place in a moment of need, it cuts to the core. Such a confusing position to be staring back at the one or few persons who you deem to know you best and they too fail to "get" you one day, it knocks the wind out of your soul. It's also gratifying to discover how your level of self-love may be directly related to how others perceive you or what kind of messages you are sending in waves to those around you. In most situations we are directly reacting to those waves with primal instinct and without need for verbal encounters.
Today I hope we all find ourselves in a moment to truly see and hear the depth of another, regardless. Acknowledge their presence without a personal agenda, engross yourself with their happiness or confliction with genuine caring interest and see past ourselves to give fully to another human being on this planet who could use our counsel, strength, kindness and camaraderie, if only for but a brief encounter (stranger or ally). Watch as our world gets smaller, our community more genuine and our encounters with people less invisible and more connected.
Happy Monday dear readers, enjoy an inspired start to your week. Let me know of any wonderful examples that come across your paths. xo, me.
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Sexy Food Therapy...
Have you seen this woman's blog? "Sexy Food Therapy" by Melissa Ramos including guest writers like the very accurate and hilarious Adam Mazerall, BRILLIANT really. I'm loving this new blog and some of it's tips, take a look for yourself you might like it too.
So in it's inspiration and my fantastic journey back-to-self as noted in June here: Girlicious! June 4th 2010 12mth+ challenge ♥ I made myself some sexy food today (see below!) and nailed it! in a BodyCombat class this morning at my local Goodlife gym with a gal pal o' mine on a similar journey. We had a kick ass time with a spunky little instructor and sweat out a weekends worth of fat in a one hour hard core class. Right now I feel revived, strong and ready to start another busy week ahead filled with heaps of opportunity that I've created for myself!
Piccy above of my fresh spinach salad with cheddar, blueberries, and almonds,
snuggled in a sweet spanish onion and poppy seed dressing
(would have added roasted or grilled chicken, carrots, celery and mushrooms if I had it)
- this is my fave sexy-healthy-comfort food ♥ -
TIP! surrounding yourself with like minded individuals has been proven to provide 80% better results (in some study, somewhere, at some time...) with whatever "demon(s)" you are trying to harness and tame. Yep, you know those mind sucking negative food nazi's & mood/dream killers disguised as family, friends or co-workers who insist they are "being supportive"... you know who they are! Not sexy, not healthy not loving. So ditch those energy vampires and bring opportunity and longevity to your fresh, crisp routines with those powerhouse cheerleaders that you know and love instead xo. A good workout buddy or even just a person you can talk to when the going gets tough is a perfect example of this.
Self love appears to be the true path to adjustment in so many of our little idiosyncrasies that infiltrate all of our varied relationships (with self, food, significant others, work, mates, future) why not make it sexy, healthy and fun?! Best wishes to any of you who are also taking on some positive changes and challenges of your own, carry on buttercups! and see below for some other wonderful support links that have inspired me along the way.
♥ to you readers on this beautiful sunny summery day xo
Ciao for now!
****************************************************
YouTubers:
The Siegster (super inspiring manifesto!)
blueeyedbetty's amazing journey! (a sweet woman who has come a LONG way, check the before and after videos amazing!)
trulyjess (check out the "size healthy" video)
Words of Wisdom:
Healthy Images & Foodies:
Laughter, Relationships & BrainBuilders:
See the Sidebar "Fav blogs n' Links"
for my favourite indulgences of eye-candy in the written world, enjoy! xo
*******************************************************
A Canadian Gentleman
Truly the mark of a good man - Ryan Gossling
you must watch from start to finish, to completely get his natural gentleman approach,
it's godlike ~swwooon~ xxooxxxoo
and in case you didn't scroll down for the first instalment of my love for this actor, here it is again :)
and the movie that made him ~ "the notebook" ~ a must watch for men and women alike
Watch the full movie here: The notebook movie!
Other amazing love stories to watch "P.S. I love you" & "Dear John", "serendipity" & "say anything"
Enjoy Lovebugs (summer is here, and romantic fall & winter just around the corner so take a risk, show and tell that special someone, it's a short lifetime, make it worth it with a life altering passionate love)
xo ♥
you must watch from start to finish, to completely get his natural gentleman approach,
it's godlike ~swwooon~ xxooxxxoo
and in case you didn't scroll down for the first instalment of my love for this actor, here it is again :)
and the movie that made him ~ "the notebook" ~ a must watch for men and women alike
Watch the full movie here: The notebook movie!
Other amazing love stories to watch "P.S. I love you" & "Dear John", "serendipity" & "say anything"
Enjoy Lovebugs (summer is here, and romantic fall & winter just around the corner so take a risk, show and tell that special someone, it's a short lifetime, make it worth it with a life altering passionate love)
xo ♥
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Favourite f*%#ing shows on the planet - right now.
An Ep. of HUNG:
Ray Drecker (ThomasJane), Hank Moody (DavidDuchovny), Donald Draper (JonHamm), Neal Caffrey (MattBomer)...
These are some of the great TV men in some fantastic shows right now...and yes, a curse word was necessary, as they are just that great and a notation of UMPH! was needed - thaaaaat good ladies and tons of testoterone for men alike.
Have you seen "Hung", "Californication", "Mad Men", "How to make it in America" or "White Collar" ?
This is some great TV people, get on it. If the theme song's alone don't get you well then I wash my hands of you peeps.
An Ep. of How to Make it in America:
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Do you know what deep inspiring love looks like?
...Not by way of views in others per say, but in YOU?
How do you look when you are unconditionally loved? have you ever seen it?
What if someone snapped a picture of you totally smothered and completely deeply in love with another person, and you saw in that picture the other person fully pledged, head over heart into loving you in return.
How would that change your perception of love, how would it reflect the kind of life you are living now?
Test yourself this week: Think back to a time or think to the future of when you will or did look this way. How did you or would you feel? What would change or stay the same in your life? How would this catapult you into a revelation for your life a piece that was stagnate, or how would it blossom into more of the same?
I've been challenging myself to do the same this past week, join me won't you?
Warning: this is a longer than normal post and possibly alot more personal and risky for me than usual, so settle in and hope you can gain some insights through this story as well :)
Here is the picture below of me immersed in loving another person so deeply the connection was almost painful, but a good pain. At the time, this man was amazing and fully completely loved me in return it was the perfect love, the ultimate connection. We were connected naturally in the spirit of greek gods, fate and kismet, rooted in the solid earth of our relationship ♥
the kink?... I believe I was too young to know how to flourish with it, make it mine and grow into it without fear of losing it. I became confused from the fear of my family history in that all 5 of the most influential relationships of my elders had all tried their hands at love, marriage, family and failed miserably. Thus ending in a string of divorces and not one positive relationship model to follow or look up to. I grew up protesting to everyone that I would never get married or live with anyone, ever. It looked and felt like it hurt an awful lot and as a child of a split family I subsequently also suffered the loss and pain behind a child's portion of divorce.
Yet I found this man, in another province, on a whimsical night out with friends with no agenda. Things and people come to you for a reason, and this man and relationship, us together, changed me forever. My girlish private fantasies of white weddings, loving long lasting marriages, building a family and home together were all rushed to the forefront of my mind and I felt changed. I felt hope, I felt I might actually get to be freed from the terrible destructive legacy my family was leading before me.
We lived together, quite happily I might add. We cooked and shopped for groceries on a Friday night and frolicked, tickled and snuck quick kisses, taps and pinches in the crackers and pickle aisles. We held hands, we respected each others differences and gave each other room to be ourselves and grow to become a beautiful "WE". We gravitated towards each other like magnets, it honestly was like another force was at play here. Something out of our control but completely meant to be like we were made for each other in another lifetime and had finally reached our point of return. I know that sounds movie like and hokey talk, but I am being very serious here. And if you are a reader who actually knows me personally, then you know that I am a deeply serious person who doesn't regularly speak of fiction to fluff up a story, it's just not my thing. I'm also not one to believe in such kinds of romances, so this truly turned me upside down and would become a model for the goal-relationship I would have for my future, when I could truly handle the intensity of it all and be immersed without fear or worry and just live. Time and experience has calmed and educated me on being centered and wise to this kind of love and now I welcome it fully prepared of it's massive positive influence for the well being of my future life.
How or why did it end? Well "we" came to a crossroads. My love proposed marriage, everything in my being wanted to just slip into a coma and be happily ever after with him. I said yes and then felt a little "off", I knew something just wasn't right for me in that moment. I started thinking about how I would be a wife and a mother and how that could be so soon from now, I panicked! I didn't have the confidence in myself to be that woman right then, immediately. Also harbouring the family fear of love destroyed by marriage I was horrified at the thought of loosing my love so soon, and at the height of our romance no less. We had a brief conversation over lunch just 20 minutes after the proposal, I didn't say the right thing, my love didn't hear the truly terrifying demons taking over my thoughts and he also didn't take the time to see me in that fearful place. This exacerbated both our positions following that day's events. My love was deeply hurt, feeling that I had rejected him, thinking I was rejecting our love and his place to be my forever protector and hero. That of course was NEVER the case, in fact it was the complete opposite. I think it was smart of me at just 23 yrs old to talk it out with him, to take time to think about the magnificence that was about to develop in our lives. I wanted it more than anything ever, now or then to be his everything to flourish our love and make babies and live like two old comfy house cats or loyal family dogs in the most pleasant of states forever more. Unfortunately that day that was to be momentous and beautiful turned into what became the slow death to our perfect love. I was crushed, he was crushed, I could see his pain but he could not see mine. I spent the better part of the next 10 months desperately trying to change the dynamic but instead just put myself in a more vulnerable and less attractive light. My love spent most of them firmly pressed heels into the ground on his view of the whole debacle, then many life changes for the negative came his way. Without the tools to manage the weight of all of that he crumbled, we crumbled, and with biased counsel I became convinced and influenced to finally let-go and end the relationship.
It was one of THE hardest things I had ever done in my life, to walk away from the one thing that had previously brought me so much deeply altering happiness and hope. At that time it wasn't such a happy place and we were struggling quite a bit in many areas due to the misunderstandings from 10 mths earlier that were never dissected or comprehended in the right arena. Our mutual respect had waned and although our connection remained, our love had been bleeding for far to long without proper tender care and neither of us had the tools to repair it ourselves without help or without each other on board at the same time.
It took years to try and pry ourselves from our deep connection. We still spent some time together off and on, we chatted alot on the phone, and often spoke of how we would have massive waves of thoughts of each other at the same time in different places, how psychic and spiritual. Time moved on, we spoke less and less, didn't see each other anymore and I finally moved away - a few provinces away, back to my hometown and settled in the city. My thoughts never waned from that magnificent love, I searched for that experience with many others after that but never found a match. Even in my marriage that kind of love never existed. I had children and marvelled at the irony of their looks resembling my old love. I lived in a loveless marriage and tried desperately to build the family life and marriage I had dreamt of with my old love but it never surfaced. It was a cold and lonely marriage, and I finally had to let it go as well, another deeply hurtful decision in my eyes and for the sake of my children. It was a terrifying place to be living my childhood pains through my children's eyes and my family histories replaying themselves.
I realised It was impossible to build what I wanted without the one person that I seemed connected and rooted to, so deeply out of my will. The moment I was set free from my cold loveless marriage I went on a search for my old love. Eventually taking out an ad in a local provincial newspaper, that a friend eventually passed on to him. It was a grand romantical gesture for sure, one reflective of our love past, one I thought was sure to spark a rekindled flame or at least a flash in the pan moment bringing us both to an understanding of the demise of our mistakes in the past. My old love contacted me by phone, I was thrilled to hear his voice again - we talked for 6 hours that day and lulled each other to sleep with our soft sleepy voices for days afterwards. It was like "the beginning" all over again. I felt I had to see him in person and him to spend some time with the new me to feel if the connection was not just in my head or in our voices over the phone. I booked a ticket as fast as I could gather some funds and rapidly made my way across the country to be with him. I was nervous about how he would perceive my new body, my new persona, but I knew that the basics of my being were as strong as their were 10 years prior when we first met. I had no conceived notions about how he would be and I didn't care about superficial things. I was certain he wouldn't look or be the same person he was back then but I heard in our many conversations before I landed that he and I STILL shared many of the same views and passions of our old love story and futures.
Things were a bit different this time around, in that we both had more experience, and life had thrown us curve balls, my love revealed he had a rare type of cancer and was taking treatments (chemo to be exact) to kill it senseless. What I didn't know was that it was also killing my love, in more ways than physically. I reached his apartment, he looked just as I remembered him and better with a little age to his body. His face and sparkling eyes however screamed of lifelessness and I found myself stricken with pain for him and his health situation. Please don't misinterpret my deep care and love for this man with pity or "feeling sorry for him" it was not that at all. I wanted to release him of all that pain, I wanted it to be me instead of him, with that I knew instantly my love still ran deep more than I recognised and I was clear that it wasn't a fantasy or just a childlike-young woman's 'puppy-love'. It was real deeply firmly rooted and had just hibernated with me stuffing it full of nonsense trying to convince myself I could be happy with another life without him just to survive. I could see the unhappiness in my eyes in the years without him, I wonder if he noticed?
We spent a wonderful weekend doing things out of the ordinary for both of us in our daily routines. Then we had to part ways - I was elated to have renewed our connection, but stricken with grief at the thought of being so far away from him and perhaps not having the chance to really see if this could flourish. I left with a promise to return in a week or two for a longer stay, I'm not sure he believed in that promise, but I did deliver. On my second trip it was light years from the first. The feelings of love and light were heavily erased by him and replaced with barrels of avoidance, anger, and more misinterpretations of my love for him. I realised one's love of self reflects how you feel loved by another, I saw his pain of his deteriorating health take over his feelings of worth again. I also recognized his love for another old love reach a boiling point. I saw him as me, as I was reaching out for a re-connection with him, he was reaching out for a re-connection with her. I knew it was not the right time for us or that we may never be at the right place and right time again as much as I wanted it.
I learned a lot from that relationship ~ love, hope, future, resilience, loss, re-building. It was the most influential relationship in my life, perhaps not for him, but for me, we will never know as I am not him. I do know that at the beginning he truly deeply unabashedly loved me through and through, and I know that because I've never felt it with another person, not even family, ever. I also know that I also loved him in the exact same way in return, whether he chose to believe it or not. He'd chide me back then, saying I didn't know what I felt, that I was too young and that I had a world to see before I could truly confirm to him that it was him that I loved. His demons and fears clearly told him he wasn't worth the love that I had for him and that did get in the way at times, but I'm certain I shut them up quite a few times - enough to see him through making a decision to make me his wife, mother of his children and loving partner for life with a proposal of marriage.
So in closing, I DO know what deep inspiring love looks like on me, it's in this picture and the memories of those days, weeks, months, years of connecting with this one man. If I never find it again, I am so happy that I was able to experience it at all and live to share this story with you and to my children when they too will find themselves confused by the many experiences of love and life.
These are the risks we take, - speaking the truth - (this was a big one for me, as he and others that know me closley may read this at some point) without these risks and truths we would be lifeless bodies, floating through the atmosphere of our lives not rooted in anything we partake in. And how limited would that be? No thank you.
May all your loves and risks be worthy of your experiential lives and may you find yourself rich with memories and stories with life lessons to pass forward for generations behind you. xo
How do you look when you are unconditionally loved? have you ever seen it?
What if someone snapped a picture of you totally smothered and completely deeply in love with another person, and you saw in that picture the other person fully pledged, head over heart into loving you in return.
How would that change your perception of love, how would it reflect the kind of life you are living now?
Test yourself this week: Think back to a time or think to the future of when you will or did look this way. How did you or would you feel? What would change or stay the same in your life? How would this catapult you into a revelation for your life a piece that was stagnate, or how would it blossom into more of the same?
I've been challenging myself to do the same this past week, join me won't you?
Warning: this is a longer than normal post and possibly alot more personal and risky for me than usual, so settle in and hope you can gain some insights through this story as well :)
Here is the picture below of me immersed in loving another person so deeply the connection was almost painful, but a good pain. At the time, this man was amazing and fully completely loved me in return it was the perfect love, the ultimate connection. We were connected naturally in the spirit of greek gods, fate and kismet, rooted in the solid earth of our relationship ♥
the kink?... I believe I was too young to know how to flourish with it, make it mine and grow into it without fear of losing it. I became confused from the fear of my family history in that all 5 of the most influential relationships of my elders had all tried their hands at love, marriage, family and failed miserably. Thus ending in a string of divorces and not one positive relationship model to follow or look up to. I grew up protesting to everyone that I would never get married or live with anyone, ever. It looked and felt like it hurt an awful lot and as a child of a split family I subsequently also suffered the loss and pain behind a child's portion of divorce.
Yet I found this man, in another province, on a whimsical night out with friends with no agenda. Things and people come to you for a reason, and this man and relationship, us together, changed me forever. My girlish private fantasies of white weddings, loving long lasting marriages, building a family and home together were all rushed to the forefront of my mind and I felt changed. I felt hope, I felt I might actually get to be freed from the terrible destructive legacy my family was leading before me.
We lived together, quite happily I might add. We cooked and shopped for groceries on a Friday night and frolicked, tickled and snuck quick kisses, taps and pinches in the crackers and pickle aisles. We held hands, we respected each others differences and gave each other room to be ourselves and grow to become a beautiful "WE". We gravitated towards each other like magnets, it honestly was like another force was at play here. Something out of our control but completely meant to be like we were made for each other in another lifetime and had finally reached our point of return. I know that sounds movie like and hokey talk, but I am being very serious here. And if you are a reader who actually knows me personally, then you know that I am a deeply serious person who doesn't regularly speak of fiction to fluff up a story, it's just not my thing. I'm also not one to believe in such kinds of romances, so this truly turned me upside down and would become a model for the goal-relationship I would have for my future, when I could truly handle the intensity of it all and be immersed without fear or worry and just live. Time and experience has calmed and educated me on being centered and wise to this kind of love and now I welcome it fully prepared of it's massive positive influence for the well being of my future life.
How or why did it end? Well "we" came to a crossroads. My love proposed marriage, everything in my being wanted to just slip into a coma and be happily ever after with him. I said yes and then felt a little "off", I knew something just wasn't right for me in that moment. I started thinking about how I would be a wife and a mother and how that could be so soon from now, I panicked! I didn't have the confidence in myself to be that woman right then, immediately. Also harbouring the family fear of love destroyed by marriage I was horrified at the thought of loosing my love so soon, and at the height of our romance no less. We had a brief conversation over lunch just 20 minutes after the proposal, I didn't say the right thing, my love didn't hear the truly terrifying demons taking over my thoughts and he also didn't take the time to see me in that fearful place. This exacerbated both our positions following that day's events. My love was deeply hurt, feeling that I had rejected him, thinking I was rejecting our love and his place to be my forever protector and hero. That of course was NEVER the case, in fact it was the complete opposite. I think it was smart of me at just 23 yrs old to talk it out with him, to take time to think about the magnificence that was about to develop in our lives. I wanted it more than anything ever, now or then to be his everything to flourish our love and make babies and live like two old comfy house cats or loyal family dogs in the most pleasant of states forever more. Unfortunately that day that was to be momentous and beautiful turned into what became the slow death to our perfect love. I was crushed, he was crushed, I could see his pain but he could not see mine. I spent the better part of the next 10 months desperately trying to change the dynamic but instead just put myself in a more vulnerable and less attractive light. My love spent most of them firmly pressed heels into the ground on his view of the whole debacle, then many life changes for the negative came his way. Without the tools to manage the weight of all of that he crumbled, we crumbled, and with biased counsel I became convinced and influenced to finally let-go and end the relationship.
It was one of THE hardest things I had ever done in my life, to walk away from the one thing that had previously brought me so much deeply altering happiness and hope. At that time it wasn't such a happy place and we were struggling quite a bit in many areas due to the misunderstandings from 10 mths earlier that were never dissected or comprehended in the right arena. Our mutual respect had waned and although our connection remained, our love had been bleeding for far to long without proper tender care and neither of us had the tools to repair it ourselves without help or without each other on board at the same time.
It took years to try and pry ourselves from our deep connection. We still spent some time together off and on, we chatted alot on the phone, and often spoke of how we would have massive waves of thoughts of each other at the same time in different places, how psychic and spiritual. Time moved on, we spoke less and less, didn't see each other anymore and I finally moved away - a few provinces away, back to my hometown and settled in the city. My thoughts never waned from that magnificent love, I searched for that experience with many others after that but never found a match. Even in my marriage that kind of love never existed. I had children and marvelled at the irony of their looks resembling my old love. I lived in a loveless marriage and tried desperately to build the family life and marriage I had dreamt of with my old love but it never surfaced. It was a cold and lonely marriage, and I finally had to let it go as well, another deeply hurtful decision in my eyes and for the sake of my children. It was a terrifying place to be living my childhood pains through my children's eyes and my family histories replaying themselves.
I realised It was impossible to build what I wanted without the one person that I seemed connected and rooted to, so deeply out of my will. The moment I was set free from my cold loveless marriage I went on a search for my old love. Eventually taking out an ad in a local provincial newspaper, that a friend eventually passed on to him. It was a grand romantical gesture for sure, one reflective of our love past, one I thought was sure to spark a rekindled flame or at least a flash in the pan moment bringing us both to an understanding of the demise of our mistakes in the past. My old love contacted me by phone, I was thrilled to hear his voice again - we talked for 6 hours that day and lulled each other to sleep with our soft sleepy voices for days afterwards. It was like "the beginning" all over again. I felt I had to see him in person and him to spend some time with the new me to feel if the connection was not just in my head or in our voices over the phone. I booked a ticket as fast as I could gather some funds and rapidly made my way across the country to be with him. I was nervous about how he would perceive my new body, my new persona, but I knew that the basics of my being were as strong as their were 10 years prior when we first met. I had no conceived notions about how he would be and I didn't care about superficial things. I was certain he wouldn't look or be the same person he was back then but I heard in our many conversations before I landed that he and I STILL shared many of the same views and passions of our old love story and futures.
Things were a bit different this time around, in that we both had more experience, and life had thrown us curve balls, my love revealed he had a rare type of cancer and was taking treatments (chemo to be exact) to kill it senseless. What I didn't know was that it was also killing my love, in more ways than physically. I reached his apartment, he looked just as I remembered him and better with a little age to his body. His face and sparkling eyes however screamed of lifelessness and I found myself stricken with pain for him and his health situation. Please don't misinterpret my deep care and love for this man with pity or "feeling sorry for him" it was not that at all. I wanted to release him of all that pain, I wanted it to be me instead of him, with that I knew instantly my love still ran deep more than I recognised and I was clear that it wasn't a fantasy or just a childlike-young woman's 'puppy-love'. It was real deeply firmly rooted and had just hibernated with me stuffing it full of nonsense trying to convince myself I could be happy with another life without him just to survive. I could see the unhappiness in my eyes in the years without him, I wonder if he noticed?
We spent a wonderful weekend doing things out of the ordinary for both of us in our daily routines. Then we had to part ways - I was elated to have renewed our connection, but stricken with grief at the thought of being so far away from him and perhaps not having the chance to really see if this could flourish. I left with a promise to return in a week or two for a longer stay, I'm not sure he believed in that promise, but I did deliver. On my second trip it was light years from the first. The feelings of love and light were heavily erased by him and replaced with barrels of avoidance, anger, and more misinterpretations of my love for him. I realised one's love of self reflects how you feel loved by another, I saw his pain of his deteriorating health take over his feelings of worth again. I also recognized his love for another old love reach a boiling point. I saw him as me, as I was reaching out for a re-connection with him, he was reaching out for a re-connection with her. I knew it was not the right time for us or that we may never be at the right place and right time again as much as I wanted it.
I learned a lot from that relationship ~ love, hope, future, resilience, loss, re-building. It was the most influential relationship in my life, perhaps not for him, but for me, we will never know as I am not him. I do know that at the beginning he truly deeply unabashedly loved me through and through, and I know that because I've never felt it with another person, not even family, ever. I also know that I also loved him in the exact same way in return, whether he chose to believe it or not. He'd chide me back then, saying I didn't know what I felt, that I was too young and that I had a world to see before I could truly confirm to him that it was him that I loved. His demons and fears clearly told him he wasn't worth the love that I had for him and that did get in the way at times, but I'm certain I shut them up quite a few times - enough to see him through making a decision to make me his wife, mother of his children and loving partner for life with a proposal of marriage.
So in closing, I DO know what deep inspiring love looks like on me, it's in this picture and the memories of those days, weeks, months, years of connecting with this one man. If I never find it again, I am so happy that I was able to experience it at all and live to share this story with you and to my children when they too will find themselves confused by the many experiences of love and life.
These are the risks we take, - speaking the truth - (this was a big one for me, as he and others that know me closley may read this at some point) without these risks and truths we would be lifeless bodies, floating through the atmosphere of our lives not rooted in anything we partake in. And how limited would that be? No thank you.
May all your loves and risks be worthy of your experiential lives and may you find yourself rich with memories and stories with life lessons to pass forward for generations behind you. xo
If you had 1 (one) wish, hrmmmm?
What would you wish for if you had ONE chance?
What wish could you use right now?
My suggestion... if you are struggling with the roller-coaster of life
Don't Complicate ~ SIMPLIFY! :)
Go back to the basics, when you were less scathed and your innocence and love flowed freely and unabashed. Pull out some photo's, works of art, writing pieces, of when you remember being so in tune with your basics. Get in touch with that self, gaze and immerse yourself in those pieces of media, be that light-hearted, dreamer, goal setter, hopeful person.
CONNECT - human touch, sociability, kindness, boldness and honesty will far outweigh your fears of not being everything you thought was meant for you. You will slowly grow your wings from caterpillar state and morph into the butterfly you always have been inside.
LET GO - Letting go of past hurts, forgiving when it seems impossible, stop waiting for that apology that will never come, dreams that were never realized or past due their expiry date. You CAN try again! The dream may be slightly altered, but the result the same. Feeling ELATED, accomplished, full of energy, hope, life, love, ...did I mention HOPE? lol
It's funny how much we "forget" to dream and hope after our 20's, well at least I know I had. Now I am adding a new subscription to my list of theories, that my previous treasured, hopeful, unabashed loving self can still reign! Truthfully, she never left, and I've always hoped and loved deeply and forthcomingly (is that a word? lol) but the reception to my gifts of giving stop being perceived as cute and welcoming as I grew, gained experience and my physical appearance changed. My goals now are to continue being true to my dreams and wishes, and to allow the perception and reaction of the world to me respond accordingly.
May all your wishes, goals and dreams never realized to their full potential be exactly as they were 20 years ago. What would you wish for if you had ONE chance? "you get another hand soon after you fold"
xo
(As always, the beautiful and mesmerizing voice of my fave Miss. Hayley Williams of Paramore)
What wish could you use right now?
My suggestion... if you are struggling with the roller-coaster of life
Don't Complicate ~ SIMPLIFY! :)
Go back to the basics, when you were less scathed and your innocence and love flowed freely and unabashed. Pull out some photo's, works of art, writing pieces, of when you remember being so in tune with your basics. Get in touch with that self, gaze and immerse yourself in those pieces of media, be that light-hearted, dreamer, goal setter, hopeful person.
CONNECT - human touch, sociability, kindness, boldness and honesty will far outweigh your fears of not being everything you thought was meant for you. You will slowly grow your wings from caterpillar state and morph into the butterfly you always have been inside.
LET GO - Letting go of past hurts, forgiving when it seems impossible, stop waiting for that apology that will never come, dreams that were never realized or past due their expiry date. You CAN try again! The dream may be slightly altered, but the result the same. Feeling ELATED, accomplished, full of energy, hope, life, love, ...did I mention HOPE? lol
It's funny how much we "forget" to dream and hope after our 20's, well at least I know I had. Now I am adding a new subscription to my list of theories, that my previous treasured, hopeful, unabashed loving self can still reign! Truthfully, she never left, and I've always hoped and loved deeply and forthcomingly (is that a word? lol) but the reception to my gifts of giving stop being perceived as cute and welcoming as I grew, gained experience and my physical appearance changed. My goals now are to continue being true to my dreams and wishes, and to allow the perception and reaction of the world to me respond accordingly.
May all your wishes, goals and dreams never realized to their full potential be exactly as they were 20 years ago. What would you wish for if you had ONE chance? "you get another hand soon after you fold"
xo
(As always, the beautiful and mesmerizing voice of my fave Miss. Hayley Williams of Paramore)
continuing with the risk reveal theme
I realize this fantastic video depicts more of a romantical "crush" risk reveal, but it could pertain to any situation of verbal/emotional risk really. I love the fearlessness, the energy of my idol powerhouse Hayley Willams and the waves of intensity in this song and lyrics. This is my go-to for getting pumped up any day! Enjoy xo
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Will you take the risk today?
...or tomorrow, next week or next year?
What would change for you
if you just let yourself BE and allowed your true nature to join forces with fate and consequence. (by the way consequences aren't always negative, think about it)
Being true to your own heart, thoughts and passions is pretty straightforward,
and risk can sometimes far outweigh the reward(s).
You may be hesitant to show someone special (family/ friend/coworker/lover/potentials) that you really care or have some heavy, passionate, intense or highly alternative thoughts on a subject or being. After all, once your feelings are known, there will be a whole different set of expectations put on you.
Try this today!
Don't withhold your emotions or thoughts; instead, be bold, take a risk and share.
My subscribed theory:
Ultimately, maintaining integrity is easier than dealing with the unexpected consequences of silence.
Best wishes dear readers, let me know what changes occurred in your lives after you took the risk.
What would change for you
if you just let yourself BE and allowed your true nature to join forces with fate and consequence. (by the way consequences aren't always negative, think about it)
Being true to your own heart, thoughts and passions is pretty straightforward,
and risk can sometimes far outweigh the reward(s).
You may be hesitant to show someone special (family/ friend/coworker/lover/potentials) that you really care or have some heavy, passionate, intense or highly alternative thoughts on a subject or being. After all, once your feelings are known, there will be a whole different set of expectations put on you.
Try this today!
Don't withhold your emotions or thoughts; instead, be bold, take a risk and share.
My subscribed theory:
Ultimately, maintaining integrity is easier than dealing with the unexpected consequences of silence.
Best wishes dear readers, let me know what changes occurred in your lives after you took the risk.
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