That Dry Feeling and Lingering Smell of Cardboard!

Well I'm getting right worn & tired of the dry cracking skin on my hands from all the packing in cardboard boxes and lifting, moving, placing, wooden shelves, books, kitchenware etc.

I am moving this Sunday April 1st! And NO this is not an April Fools Joke Hee heee heeee. As mentioned before it is exciting but also nerve wracking - who knew, you ask for what you want from the universe and it delivers like promised - EVERY TIME!

The exhaustion of packing a 3 bedroom home in almost it's entirety all alone has been a challenge I never wished of taking on - but the children's father is reluctant, no scratch that, down right absent (emotionally and physically) and refuses to participate in any action that will better a comfortable move for the children. He has not packed a single toy, piece of clothing, bedding - but rather is scouring my belongings when I am not present and like a sneaky pirate - stealing treasure that does not belong to him. I can only sum this up to him being emotional, hurt and lets face it ... a complete and total LOSER!

I mean what person in there right mind, and parent could go about their day completely ignoring the fact that they have children and not want to participate in their daily lives at every waking moment. I would be (and am) ALL over them, soaking up every last minute I had with them "full-time" and making sure they were settled and the least bit disturbed in the process. I would be getting their clothes and toys all ready so to make sure they had everything that made them the most comfortable. But then again, that's just me and that is why I am the parent, the stable rock, the one who does and will continue to support and guide them through any challenges and success' they may encounter. And "he" by his own demise, by his own withdrawal, by his own non-participation is creating a legacy of disconnect with his relationships with his children - I read that when a parent "checks out" emotionally and physically children feels this as rejection towards them - and therefore he is creating a very destructive path towards having anything stable in the future....but he has been that way all along,... so nothing has really changed and the kids will have to make up their own minds about him as they get older and understand what is what in their world.

I feel so angry that so many men in this world are cowards and won't stand up and face the world with pride and confidence. I have a father who disappeared when I was 4, and many male friends and relatives that just can't speak their truth and be okay with it. Women have carried the burdens of men and their reluctance to act, speak, discover, relate and experience for generations - if only they knew how many women stood behind them, supported them, saw their potential, encouraged and cared for them - However I don't really think that will or would have made much of a difference, some things are just hard-wired - it is only the select few who "get-it" and are reaping the rewards of such. I am so angry at how many men - by not participating in certain areas of their lives or relationships - have forced me to make decisions and act accordingly because the were too chicken shit to accept the truth and do something about it. Take care of themselves, take care of their relationships, take care of their children! It is a sad, sad man who gives up his power to insecurities and fear.

I am exhausted in all areas and I'm finding it difficult to continue in these final days,.. but I MUST - my two beautiful souls are counting on me to be there for them, and I just seeing their innocent faces and smiles I know exactly where I need to be - and how the purpose for this journey is definitely on the right path. We will all be better off

With all that out of the way I must return to packing and organizing,.. I also really want to give my feet a rest... I need to go horizontal for at least a half hour before I can continue today - It's been a looooonnnnng week -

all for now, wish me luck! Talk to you after the weekend. HUG!

Step By Step,... OH BAABY!

A little over 2 weeks to her first birthday, my ambitious little Emmerson took a couple of half steps yesterday and one FULL step today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It always amazes me how children develop so intensely in the first year of life. The first smile, tooth, sound, foods, and of course the first step is no different and yet it creates a HUGE milestone for babies in their "step" towards independence from their parents.

After she beings to toddle around, soon becomes running and then mommy doesn't feel the "neediness" of the baby year surrounding her. I feel a double edged sword about this as usual. Knowing this will be my last venture into parenthood (I don't see this in my future again) and the baby years will shortly be behind me. As I know many more challenges and fun are ahead of me - the baby & pregnancy days are just so fleeting it's hard to let go of. I often rub my empty tummy and recall the days of a fluttering and then vigorous kicks and pokes that once played there. It is a woman's sacred temple and space... I remember 3 years after my first born I was given a gift certificate for a Spa-Day which included a massage - I was really looking forward to it and enjoying it then when I turned over and she began the massage on my tummy... just touching the area brought me to tears. It felt so sacred,.. like something should be co-habitating in there, but it was a cold, empty space, I felt deeply saddened that something was missing there.

However much joy is to follow as most parents can relate to, and to that I hold celebratory thoughts over my baby's major milestone soon to be accomplished into walking and look forward to the short toddler years ahead.

Hope you were out and about enjoying this beautiful weather we were having today. The sun always warms the soul and inspires hope for the future.

Things are looking up...

Well as the saying goes,. you have to hit rock bottom before you can emerge on top

So a few weeks ago THAT actually happened, I've made alot of movement since then and have emerged victorious! The kids and I have found a beautiful community to move to - we move APRIL 1st!!!! HOLY GAWD! and our new life begins.

I am thrilled, nervous, excited and scared about all the wonderful new adventures we will be embarking on in our new life. I have been channelling many of my thoughts on goals for this and have surprisingly been getting an active response from the universe already ... Anyone jumped on "the secret" bandwagon with me? The law of attraction is so universal and as I already have thought most of this -(damn I knew I should have put it in print,... look at the millions i could have raked in!)- before, it has been a nice regular refresher to continue to put out to the universe my wants & needs and have it be answered by action!

I am continually abundantly grateful for all the wonderful moments, people/relationships and experiences in my journey of life without which I would not be the woman I am today.

With that I retire to dreamland, and will as I get more time and have settled into my new place I will update more regularly.

P.S. What are you grateful for today? / What dreams or goals have you put out to the universe lately? FILL ME IN! Can't wait to hear from you :) Tootles!

I'm BACK! and i Tip my Cap...

Quote:
"One of the marks of an intelligent woman is to be able to distinguish between what is worth doing and what isn't, and to set priorities."

Hrmmmmmm *Grimace* ...a theme for my week

Well thank you to all who have been checking in on me - and as most of you know it has been a trial of my strength and courage - ah hell, and SHEER WILL that I made it through these last 2 weeks! I won't go into dirty details, but lets just say the situation at with "hubby" got violent and that pushed me to my last straw and I put my foot down and made some hard decisions.

My kids and I will be moving out of the city and finding solace in a small (ish) town far away from the zippy fast pace of the urbanites. It's a great place to raise children and a family from what I've witnessed (Hollah A.P. :) ) and been told by others (thanks J.C.) and I'm really looking forward to the new life we will be establishing in a few short weeks. Mind you, I know I will have my days where I will mourn the relationship (even though I logically know it's not right and wasn't from the start) and I will mourn the dream of the Norman Rockwell family that I so wanted from the start, if only the man was the right man. This is all a part of the healing and rebuilding process.

So anywhoo, this quote is just so telling of my life so far and especially revealing of this past week. It was by sheer luck (or forces of nature) that I chose this quote out of a box at my counselling center - they really know their stuff there! (By the way, if you or someone you know is going through anything rough I HIGHLY recommend counselling to help guide you through it every step of the way - life is too hard to try and figure it all out alone - P.S. this is a great place if you are in the GTA http://www.inner-directions.ca/ they support all kinds of relationships and lifestyles! Just wonderful)

Well the point here today is that I'm rising above the shit, I'm moving forward and that really takes a load off my brain and shoulders. I am to the core an action-oriented individual, and sitting on the fence talking alot and not making a move really gets my blood boiling. So I tend to get really hard on myself until I can reach a solution - cause there is always and I mean ALWAYS a better way. It's just that sometimes the fog takes over and we can't see our way.

So things are getting clearer, I should have a new address by next week and I've been preparing by packing when I can and getting rid of alot of "stuff" I've been hanging onto for reasons that I am no longer attached to. It feels scary, but relief all at the same time. I'm coming to terms that I will be a single mother and that all families look different and that's ok. My dreams will be answered in an alternative way and I look forward to all those days ahead (I've got LOTS of dreams/goals you know! hee hee heee) and the strength and courage that I hope my kids will understand I had to have, one day when they've grown and or possibly had children of their own. I know they will blame me for something (we all blame our parents for something right?) or I'll royally screw them up in SOME way, I just hope it's not this - I hope they see how much I adore them, how much I want a better life for them and myself and I hope they see how they can have what they want too! - it will be hard work,.. but it can happen, I hope they get that nothing is impossible, and dreams can be realized regardless of the situation or age. Yes, that's what I hope they grow up to take with them in their hearts, and I believe I have and will continue to teach them these values everyday when I look into their deep baby blues and they open up their little sweet smelling arms for that morning hug & kiss. *ahhhh SIGH*

I Love Being a Woman & A Mother - there is no greater job or gender on earth! *sorry guys, I love ya - no really I do, but we really are ruling the world here... we're just smarter at letting you think you are.. AHAHAHAH

HAVE a SUPER DAY ... P.S. I missed you all. and thank you to all who have supported me physically, mentally and otherwise over these last few weeks - you have all been amazing - I Love Ya - you really know who your family & friends are in these kinds of situations
BIG HUGS xoxooxox

Little bit of This, and alot of That

I realize my blog is entitled "A DAILY Drone" and I have yet to capture that in daily posts... I just find that my inner voice doesn't seem to pop out until I have some kind of an epiphany or something really interesting to talk about. So I apologize if you have visited daily looking for some new posts.

On the flip-side, In order to keep you coming back for more i think it is imperative to write well and contain subjects that are relateable and interesting - so with that in mind, bear with me for a dull post LOL!

I have found it difficult to post this week as I am trying to just barely tread water here in my personal life, staying on top of being a fantastic mother and trying to keep my wits and strength about me as I plan and follow through on my separation and eventual divorce from my current partner. It has been a long time coming and although in my head I know this is a logical decision, my heart aches for my children and what is to come for them - and hell, well for me too.
As well as I have had a couple of friends disappear in different ways from my life and that has proved to be hard on me. Some people are meant to be life long friends and some aren't it's just the way life plays doesn't it. So more "housecleaning" had to be done and it was hard. The other is probably reading this now and I feel a little angry by that as I feel it is a little voyeuristic when I am pouring out my life here and they are not willing to open up to me in any way, even though I put my olive branch out there - but anywhoo... I digress,...and this post is not about that.

Fear of the unknown is what scares me the most, fear of being a single mother (even though I know I am capable and anticipate enormous amounts of work, it's still not the ideal or that pretty) fear of not being able to cope (financially, emotionally, physically), fear of not being able to be the fun and happy and loving mommie I so genuinely love to be (but with so much stress lately I am already finding it difficult to "put on a happy face" and let's be honest here, the kids are noticing that something is not right in the household), fear of spending the rest of my days alone and never meeting that person I was supposed to be with in the first place (I don't mind being alone, It would just be alot nicer to share the joy with someone, bring balance into the home and have someone witness to your life) Fear of getting into the out of home workforce! (this is a BIG one for me, I absolutely want to be the kind of mother who is available and "There" for her kids - home for hot lunches - pick up and drop off for school - able to volunteer at the school - meet other mom's and kids at the local parks during the day or summer -) My son went into home-daycare when he was 18 mths and even though most of my friends put their kids in at 12 mths I just couldn't do it then, even 18 mths was hard. I went back to work for 8 mths and then resigned and started my own business 4 mths later just so I never had to feel that excruciating pain and sad life ever again. Dropping him off every morning I cried on the way to the subway, at my desk, and rushed home every night just to see him for even an hour before he drifted off to sleep! It was heart wrenching, mind numbing, and knowing in my heart I was meant to be home with them I vowed to never return to "the office" if I didn't absolutely HAVE TO.

So, here i am in the HAVE TO and I hate it! Well I do have another par-time business I can re-vamp, I think I am just in a slump right now. I am usually very motivated and determined to "do-what-it-takes" to get things done or rectified... I believe I am supremely overwhelmed and WHY the Hell Not! These are major changes and I need to be kind to myself and take it slow and easy here... take care of myself, because as we all very well know - no-one takes care of mommy - it is a 24/7 job weather you are at home or not - most decisions and management of the family, finances, social life, doctors appointments, school work & functions and home is taken on by the mother no matter how much the father wants to or does put in his side of the effort. Not that I would give it up in a second, no mother would, I guess I'm just tired is all. I've lived with a partner for 5 years who has no self-confidence, doesn't understand the value in truth, responsibility and the sacred role of a father. He is generally kind and generally "wants" to do the right thing... but that isn't always the best way to go about things. A woman needs someone she can rely on, someone to bear some of life's burden's and lift her spirits without asking - a take charge man who can see when the relationship needs doctoring and books responsible babysitting without being coached so a date can be had. Someone who has goals, and dreams and has the drive and gusto to try and reach them and be successful at most of them. A woman needs a partner to look up to (and him to her), to motivate and inspire eachother to be better than they are or the best at who they've become - not run eachother into the ground until there is nothing left to salvage. And above all else of course passion, free to BE, to seek justice when needed, to get into her heart and really know her - what makes her tick, what she likes and dislikes, how to support her, surprise her, entice her, and live in harmony.

This may set off some bells for men thinking that they have to "do all these things" to get and keep a woman happy and fulfilled for a lifetime, but let me tell you men - If you are willing, able and determined, and you follow these things with your woman she will in turn treat you like the KING you are in leaps and bounds! Women have the ability to turn your lives into the most positive experience a man can handle, you just can't take her for granted - that is the beginning to many arguments, and eventual end for most as men get sloppy, pull away start treating her like a pal instead of the Queen or Princess title she most rightly earned and deserves.

You will find some women come off strong, and seemingly over confident and possibly stoic - but I am here to break the myth gentlemen. All women want to be loved and cherished (in the way that works for her) and treated like they deserve to be loved and cherished, a treasure. All women want to feel safe and secure in a relationship (this could mean a man who she feels can protect her from outside harm or someone who will never take her heart for granted, be a good provider, be a good father to her children the list is endless), They want to feel like after all the work they've done to become the women they are today that they have made the right decision in choosing you to share their life with. If any of these needs aren't met or fail to continue in the middle of the relationship - the courtship is doomed to fail or provide a rocky road along the way.

Of course these are all just my opinions, you can take or leave what I have said here and go on with your daily routine. Fortunately this is the blessing of a personal blog, my space, my soapbox! Harr harrrr.

Well I've gotten it out of my system for today - hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I'll catch you Monday or so on... ;) We'll see if the lightning strikes me this weekend. Tootles for now.